Another Saturday, Another Story

Before I tell the tales of tonight’s follies, I would like to apologize for not being around. My laptop died on me, and I gave up on trying to repair it and bought a new one. By the way, Vista is amazing!!!

Some good news: the new guy I hate was fired for the “fuck you” incident. Thank God. One of the bar tenders quit - good news, as I don’t like our bartenders - and the other looks like he’s going to fired. A friend of mine is going to work very part time behind the bar, which is a good thing, and I get to interview the candidates to fill the other position

In my quest for more money, I spoke again with my boss. I am told in the New Year, I will receive a raise. I am hoping for $3.00 more per hour. This may sound like very little, but it means almost $500 more per month for me BEFORE OVER TIME, and should mean as much as $750 more per month. That’s like an 18% raise. That’s too amazingly wonderful for me to even think about. Maybe I will get lucky and end up with $4.00 more per hour. Even $2.00 more would be an extra $350.

Tonight was a relatively slow Saturday, but not terrible. This entire week was our slowest since we opened, and that’s been causing some jittery nerves among the owners. Knowing what I do about the industry, I would say the loss was about $16,000 this week.

Although people spent tonight, I was plagued by bad tippers. Table one walks in 20 minutes before we open. Not wanting to lose business I took them in. Bill: $69.00. Tip $10.00 - I call these people the 14.75% tippers. They round down, leaving you just short of the minimum acceptable amount you would like to see.

Table two: another two-top on date. They were in their late 30s, and quizzed me on the menu for a good 10 minutes. Finally, they order - with a 100 modifications. Bill $101. Tip: $15.00. Another 14.75′er.

Table three: They were foreigners, which scared me. Foreigners are either very good or very bad tippers. They were a four top, two men and two women, and they came to spend. I have no clue where they are from, as they did not have strong accents and I could not tell what language they were speaking (for the record, I speak English, Spanish, Latin (don’t ask) and a little Russian, Hebrew, Italian and French, and I could not figure out what they were speaking).

The table orders 500mL or Goose ($125 - cha-ching) and the most expensive non-caviar appetizer for $28 along with 5 salads (yes, I am aware there were 4 of them, I couldn’t figure this out either). About 90 minutes later, they were ready to order their main course. I always get intimidated when one person orders, and the rest of the table clearly has no clue what they want to eat. I can make recommendations, but they are sincerely clueless. I usually try and say I will give them a few more moments, but ofter, they insist you stay, as if you will leave, fall into a black hole, and never return to take their order. After 4 or 5 minutes of arguing in Foreign-Speak, they make up their mind — oh! and they add another 500mL of Vodka - cha-ching, cha-ching.

PS, if you are ever in a restaurant NEVER EVER EVER ORDER LIQUOR BY THE BOTTLE. Here’s why: we, like most places around town, charge $250.00 for 1 Litre of Goose. Thats 24 shots, at about $10.05/shot. Yet, a solo shot of Goose will run you $8.00, or $192.00 for the equivalent of a bottle. We charge a $58.00 premium on that fancy crystal thing and bucket of ice water. A bottle of Absolut, $190.00 - 24 shots, $168.00 A bottle of Patron (500 mL only), $120.00, 12 shots, $108. A bottle of Hennessey VS $245. 24 shots - $192.00.

Never the less, the table had me working like a dog - for 3 hours - including changing out the plates to ones with more pleasing shapes, sending back lemons because they aren’t cut the way they like (wedges, not spirals, please), and sending back the bucket of ice from the vodka because it had water on the outside (condensation), as well as the long and drawn out ordering dance. Despite this, they were very happy with the food and entertainment and anything else. They also told me to check on them every 11 minutes - weird - but even weirder, they kept track on their watch.

I decided this table would end up being a 10% tip. For $420, 10% isn’t too terrible. I was very happy when they left $80.00 and some change making their bill an even $500.00.

Table 4 - foreigners from hell. They sent back the bread (ya know, the free bread) THREE times. First time, it was cut wrong. Second time, it wasn’t toasted, they wanted toast, third time, it was too toasted. Fourth basket was a charm. Don’t worry, they went through three baskets and sent only one of the others back. After ordering a Jonnie Walker Black, he sent it back because he “knows for sure” the bar tender screwed him and gave him Red, not Black. Fine. I took it back to the bar, stood there for a minute or two with the same bottle of Black I used just 3 minutes prior (note: the one bartender we had is lazy as hell, meaning I make 75% of my drinks when he’s around), and then take it back to the table. “Much better, when you do it right, it makes for a better night” he says. He showed me, I guess. PS Poetry in a restaurant is stupid.

Best part of the service was this:

Man: “Can I have a free box of Marlboro Lights?”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have a tobacco license, we are not allowed to sell cigarettes or cigars or other tobacco products.”

Man: “No, not sell, FREE Marlboro Lights.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have any cigarettes behind the bar or in the kitchen to sell — “

Man: “No, FREE, FREE, FREE!”

Me: “I’m afraid nothing in this world is free, sir.”

Man: throws his hands in the air “Just bring me $20.00 cash and I will buy them myself at the store across the street.”

NO JOKE!

Bill: $140. Tip $15.00 — foreigners - phhhh. always a crap shoot.

By the end of the night, I was dead tired - another 9 hour day. With my hourly wage, it ends up being a $142 night, not too terrible, but not great, especially for a Saturday. I owe $15.00 in tip-out, so this reduces my earnings some.

Next week, I have to attend some fruity conference on up-selling food and alcohol. I am actually looking forward to this. I am, and have been told many times by the ownership, that I am the best at upselling. as a result, I make more per hour in tips/sales than anyone else (on nights when we have about even number of guests). I am getting very good at selling the $35+ menu items instead of the $18 - $34 ones, and tacking on an extra $20.00 to checks through wine upsales. Moreover, by offering the 1/2 bottle of vodka to my guests instead of the 4 shots they originally wanted, I figure I earned myself at least an extra $25.00.

On top of all of this, I had my newest waitress break down and cry in the back alley for 15 minutes. She misrang two drink orders, causing some confusing and waisted liquor at the bar. No big deal, it happens. In addition, a check was split wrong - off by $8.00 (On a $175 bill, this is minor, especially with wealthy patrons - an apology and a free plate of cookies - note, these are free anyway if you order coffee or tea or Port wine, solves the problem 99.99% of the time.)

This resulted in a crying fit and an “I’m going to lose my job over this” rant. The ownership and I calmed her down, but her nerves were still shaken. A lot of people, especially new-bies, get very emotional about their job. In a fast paced enviornment, especially around food and drink, mistakes will happen. Yes, she is inexperienced, but she works hard and the guests like her, so she’s a keeper. However, it is important to control your emotions. Having lots of young people running around in restaurants, with hormones and tempers and over-sensitivity can make for an awkward to say the least work environment. Nothing is worth crying over. Worst case scenario, a guest is slightly pissed off, leaves one or two dollars less than they would and gets over it within 20 minutes. If you are honest about your mistakes, and you don’t make 1,000 every night, it’s never a big deal. Getting emotional only wears you down and burns you out.

Time to enjoy my three day weekend - IN YOUR FACE EVERYONE!