One Table.

In the high-end restaurant business, Tuesday and Wednesday are dead. There are days when you are happy to have three tables. Yesterday, I worked lunch. Tuesday lunch is usually slow and yesterday was no exception. We had a total of three tables - 2 of whom just wanted a quick (under $40.00) lunch.

Despite the trend, one table came to spend. Here’s the problem:

As I mentioned in previous posts, serving Europeans are absolute crap shoots. I always feel slightly uncomfortable around Europeans. For example, in Europe, you do not remove plates, take orders, bring the check or do or say anything unless you are asked. In other words, the American fast food approach of checking up on your table and intruding into conversations to take orders does not apply in Europe. In fact, it is often seen as rude.

The biggest fear I have when it comes to European tables is that, in their home land, the tip is either included in the bill, or is irrelevant (servers are paid a salary or a fixed percentage of sales).

It comes to time to greet the table and I ask what they would like to drink. No joke, a beer and two bottles of water.

Ordering bottled water in a restaurant is a scam unto itself. I will charge you $5.00 for a 12 oz. bottle of water. Yes, it is from Italy, or France or Fiji - but you can easily buy the same bottle at the gas station for $1.49.

Nevertheless, this starts the table off with a $15.00 bill. By the time the food orders were in, the bill came to a firm $141.00.  I had given superior service during the meal. Every fork was placed at the exact correct spot. The food was served in perfect form and I made sure to pour the bottled water into the wine glass as needed. In the end, the meal went well and the head of the three-person table informed me that I had given him the best service he has had since he came to America four years ago. In all honesty, I smiled and thanked him sincerely. In my mind, a verbal tip is really an insult - a fuck you to your face in nicer words. However, he seemed sincere and I appreciated that my work did go noticed. I almost forgot to think about the important thing: the tip.

So, when I delivered the bill to the table, one of the European women rummaged through her ubber-expensive handbag, which was sitting next to her couture jacket… All I saw was a $100 bill, so I knew it was cash payment. I went to the table and she replied “Plis kip the chenge. Th-ank youah so a-much for making this a loovleah meal, sir.”

I thanked her back and went onto the back expo after refilling their glasses and removing some butter plates, etc. $200.00, cash - a $59.00 tip on a $141.00 table. A 41% tip only comes so often - cherish it.

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The next night, Wednesday, is also usualy slow. In the case of last night, it was so slow, I had only one table. Again, Europeans, again a three top. They had made a reservation two weeks earlier. I have to tell you, this was one of the most needy tables I have had to work with in a very long time.

It started out with the drinks - they wanted a wine list. Fine. But they also wanted a half a bottle of expensive liquor - no problem. I can sell liquor by the shot, or by volume - 250mL, 500mL or 1L. In this case, they opted for 250mL of liquor - a $60.00 purchase. In addition, they wanted a bottle of wine - $68.00 - no problem. And then the time came for appetizers; the table decided they wanted 7 - yes 7 appetizers. Suspicious, I read the order back — sure enough a fight broke out in some God-forsaken Third World language and the order was changed - only 3 appetizers — and the vodka is to come out before the appetizers and the wine along with the appetizers. No, the wine now. No, the wine latter. Ok, fine - everything was worked out. I told the table I would be back in a few minutes with the vodka and and to take the order for the main course. During this time, I sent the bus boy in with glasses of water and bread - and they gave the order to him. Oh well. So the vodka comes out, I pour shots and then the food - followed by dish after dish after dish.

But that’s not all, every time I went to the table I feared the next request - some soft drink here - another fork there - a condiment that is not even remotely related to the dish here and another pepper shaker there (don’t ask, I have never seen anyone use so much pepper in my life - and don’t ask what brown, not yellow, mustard has to do with shrimp, or what potato broth has to do with veal).

In a way, I was relieved this was my only table. They had me running around in every direction for every imaginable item that a restaurant may have - they wanted two candles, but they wanted it lit with a match, not a lighter - extra napkins, different shaped plated and bowls (yes, we had to re-plate the food before they like oval - not round or squared off plates).

By the end of the meal, I brought out the dessert, hot tea and bubble gum (yes, they ordered bubble gum - not Mint gum or Wintergreen gum - bubble gum, thank god I had some). Once these were delivered, I was asked to walk two of the three individuals to the restroom one by one. No, there was nothing wrong with their legs, they were not blind nor illiterate - they just wanted an escort.

All of these fine items were followed by the bill — $346.00 for three people. In my mind, I would have been happy with $50.00. Them walking through the door was worth far more than money.

Sure enough, I was again happily surprised - $89.00. Another +30% tip. It almost made me feel ok with only having one table for the night. Sometimes, only having one table can be a blessing in disguise - you can devote 100% of your attention to them and have it pay off in dollars and cents.

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In other news, speaking my piece to management did not go over so well. If anything, it caused a rift between us. Great. More news on my paycheck latter.

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Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)

• There’s no “I” in Team; There’s no “You” in Teamwork
• The Server’s Manifesto
• It’s NEVER okay to stiff your food server
• The restaurant is a finely-tuned machine. Well, sort of.