Scammers, Part II

This is part 2 of a 3 part series…Scamming your server has gotten harder now that every restaurant is computerized. Tonight, I had dinner in a popular chain eatery where every bite you take and every ice cube the waiter serves is tracked.

Computers should make the scam impossible, but high turn over in today’s establishments (and many other industries) means wait staffs are often less educated about the menu and specific company procedures than they should be, or at least were, in times gone by.

The most common scam is menu manipulation. Here, the costumer takes advantage of lack of menu knowledge, or our inherent inability to say “no” to get free food.

Example:

A few months ago, at lunch, a costumer ordered a fried oyster sandwich. The sandwich itself is very big, very good, and only $8.00. A la carte, an order of mini-fried shrimp would cost you $3.50. This costumer got smart,
“I want the fried oyster sandwich, but instead of fries, I want fried shrimp, and I want the shrimp on the sandwich.”

Shrimp are more expensive than fries. An order of fries costs about 15 cents; shrimp about $1.25. If everyone made this substition, the restaurant would not make a profit on this menu item. If you want to substitute, ok fine, but understand you will be charged. By adding three bucks to the bill, I may get an extra 50 cents, if anything, insofar as tip - in other words, I could care less if you eat baby panda bears on your sub, but my boss does care.

I have also seen costumers ask for extra chicken on a cobb salad, and give it to their kid as a meal to save money (kid’s meal is $4 or $5, but extra chicken is free).

Servers care simply because it means doing extra work with the net result of smaller sales, and, over time, a smaller tip. This is is in addition to managers asking 20 questions every time a modified menu item leaves the expo.

Often times, guests will argue they did not receive a part of their order. A few weeks ago, at FamilyFunTime, a woman insisted her order come with a side of steamed veggies (sauted in heavy butter and oil). It did not. This side is available, for $2.95. Again, I’m not too worried about three dollars, but my manager is. I can’t bring food out of the expo without a ticket, and I will not risk my job because you made a pouty face.

And now for my favorite scam - and the funniest!!

The funniest scam is something I like to call “Homemade Lemonade.” On more than one occasion, I have had the costumer (almost always a white, middle aged man) brag about this genius way to save $2.00. It reminds me of something a homeless drug addict would do.

Here’s how it works: Even though I have lemonade, with free refills, on the fountain for around $2, some innovative individuals decide 15 minutes of their time (and mine) is worth far less than two One-spots.

The scammer will order a glass of tap water (free), 8 or 9 lemon wedges, and extra sugar (free, free, free). He will proceed to squeeze the juice out of every lemon and then pour 8 - 10 sugar packets into the glass. Let’s ignore the giant citrus mess and endless trips to the kitchen and expo and store room our friend has sent me. By the end of this cheap-skate scam, the gentleman, a la Fred Mertz of “I Love Lucy” fame, has created a free soft drink. Many restaurants score servers on the amount of liquid sales they achieve (a Diet Coke or Iced Tea, even with three refills, still reflects a $1.50 profit, and liquor is liquid money). Although I do not expect our friend the scammer of knowing or caring about such policies, it would be nice if he cleaned his own mess or at least took our countless trip to the lemon bin in account when leaving his gratuity.

Greasy Chicken scam

A while back, I was sat a table with the quintessential 21st century nuclear family. Remember, these tables, though harmless at first, are often scammers. I guess when the second itty-witty-bitty-childwen popped out, Mommy and Daddy’s wallet weren’t ready for another mouth to feed - so they come to my table.

This family included the Mom, 35 lbs. overweight, poor bleach job, wearing way way too tight skimpy clothes - and a $5,000 necklace and matching tennis bracelet. The Dad, emailing via Blackberry the entire time, and the bratty kids who bang their silverware on the the table and spill their drinks, sauces, food, menus, my dignity, all over the booth and floor. Usually, this behavior is undertaken by children under the age of five. These kids seemed a bit old to be reviewing the kid’s menu, which clearly states “for 7 and under.” If I had to guess, I would put the children’s ages at 8 and 11.

So, it comes time to order… This was the foreshadowing of a bad table… The bratty children, banging anything they can find in their comfy Pleather booth, in unison, sing “We - want - chick - en - fin - gers, we - want - chick - en - fin - gers.” As much as I appreciate a musical review of the kiddie menu, a song and dance number was not needed.

“Well,” Daddy Blackberry replied, “My princesses have spoken, they will have the children’s chicken fingers.” No shit Sherlock.

So, the chicken fingers arrive, dripping with oil and God knows what else - the product of the blood, sweat and tears of America’s most surly and lazy illegal immigrants. About 60 seconds after the food arrives, I check up asking how everything tastes.

The little Princess Brats put on their finest pouty face, a move their mother duplicates. I am sure she has already begun teaching her little crum-crunchers how to seem distressed, in hopes of finding that dashingly rich husband of tomorrow, or at least some free chicken.
The father looks up from his Blackberry. “We have eaten here before and the kids’ chicken had more chicken last time. Are you trying to rip off my daughters? What kind of scam are you running here?” Yea, right sir, who is scamming whom?

“This isn’t enough chicken - ” I try to interrupt with some phony canned ‘I’m sorry, I will see what I can do’ routine.

I am pretty sure he mentioned that the dish is not worth the $3.00 he is expected to pay. You can’t get much for $3.00 anymore, let alone a meal fit for a prince(s).

Before I can do anything, in my hands, I feel some greasy, slimy fried chicken… No Way!! The man handed me the chicken nuggets! He then demands I show them to my manager (my pleasure). He then asks me to bring a toy, or some extra crayons for the kids while they wait for “me to get it right.”

With the chicken still in hand, I drop off some crayons and state “I am not the cook. The chicken nuggets are frozen and pre-weighed at some central wholesale food distributer and I cannot control the portions. I would be happy to put in three more orders of chicken fingers.”

I decided to be firm. No way am I comping their two kiddie meals, despite the noticeable problem of them being in my hands and not on the kids’ plate. Moreover, if they want food, they can pay for it. It’s not my fault $6 worth of fried dark-meat was handed to me.

Of course, the manager catches wind of this and brings over a big basket of chicken nuggets, free of charge. I was told that he brought THREE portions of kid’s chicken nuggets.

Oh, here is the irony!

When it came time for the check, I commented, “Well, after all of that and they couldn’t clean their plates! Maybe two orders was enough after all.” Any time time I can get the last word in, especially when it’s a fuck you to your face, I am happy.

The family wanted free chicken, and crayons, and a toy (what is this, Burger King???) - and Mr Blackberry wasn’t too interested in paying for entertainment. Just because you think you have cute kids doesn’t mean I care - don’t expect free stuff because you forgot to wear a condom a few years ago…

Some observations: First, the portions are small - but the chicken nuggets, with drink, are $3.59. Your kids are a little too old for this menu. Second, handing me greasy chicken is only going to make me want to throw them at you, not resolve the problem. Third, pouty faces don’t work on me - I get at least one per day. They’re just stupid. Don’t do it!

A simple and very ineffective scam is the “I didn’t order this” scam.

Jerry Seinfeld, in an earlier episode, describes going out to eat. Everyone is jovial and “more” is the only word you know. And then, the bill comes in a little black book - it’s the “story of your meal.” Everyone looks around; they are sure they did not get what they are being charged for.

I may be busy, but yes, you did order that second margarita - no, we don’t upgrade to Patron for free. No ma’am, Patron is NOT the well tequila. Yes sir, your son did order chicken on his salad and he did get chicken on his salad. These are all questions I have been asked when the bill arrives.

Finally, the “I didn’t like it scam.” If your food is wrong or bad, tell me after you have had 2 or 3, or even 5 or 6 bites, and I will send it back to the kitchen. Don’t finish your entire plate and then demand it free because it wasn’t right - sorry! I am not a soup kitchen, if you eat it, you bought it.

A few months ago, a couple all ghetto-fied out in fake designer sunglasses, handbags and jeans decided to go out and celebrate. The girlfriend, wearing a rubber band for a top with Doir (that is, to be confused with Dior) sunglasses on her head demanded a new Hurricane. A Hurricane costs $8.00, I am aware. If the bartender made it wrong, I will have him re-do it, for free. But, when I serve you a 12 oz. glass filled with liquor and you give me an all but empty glass and say “it was too sweet. Make me a new one and I ain’t payin’ because this one wrong [sic.];” don’t be surprised when I charge you. The bartender that night was an idiot and fairly incompetent bartender. I agree. But, don’t swallow down $6.92 worth of booze and demand a free re-fill, sans sugar. In the end, my manager overheard the complaint and comped a free drink from the bar (thus telling me to charge for the first drink, but comp the second).

The table was happy with the second drink - a free Patron Margarita on the Rocks - an $11.00 concoction. Needless to say, the man pulled the “I didn’t order no salad” scam (yes sir, you did - Don’t you remember? I had to bring you not one, not two, not three, but four re-fills of blue cheese dressing!). PS, leaving $5.00 on your $63.00 tab is real classy, kind of like your Doir shades. I’m sure your Little Kim wanna-be girl was impressed by your mad tipping skills and Green Dot Master Card.

In the next day or two, I will post Scammers, Part III. In part 3, I will detail how scamming has changed the restaurant industry and the outlook of the restaurant guest. Warming: I have a double-shift for the next 139,084 days, so I hope to have the post up ASAP. However, don’t yell and scream if it is more than 48 hours between updates.